Cheese Shop

Good Morning
Morning, sir
Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium
Ah, thank you, my good man
What can I do for you, sir?Well, I was sitting in the public library
On Thurmon Street just now
Skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole
And I suddenly came over all peckishPeckish, sir?
Esuriant
Eh
'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike
Ah, hungryIn a nutshell, and I thought
To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick
So I curtailed my Walpoling activites
Sallied forth and infiltrated your place
Of purveyance to negotiate the vending
Of some cheesy comestiblesCome again
I want to buy some cheese
Oh, I thought you were complaining
About the bazouki player
Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights
In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean museSorry?
'Ooo, ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too
So he can go on playing, can he
Most certainly, now then
Some cheese please, my good manCertainly, sir, what would you like?
Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?
I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir
Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week
Sir, we get it fresh on Monday
Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman
Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you pleaseAh, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks
Was expecting it this morning
T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?
Sorry, sirRed Windsor?
Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down
Ah, Stilton?
SorryEmenthal, Gruyere?
No
Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance?
NoLipta?
No
Lancashire?
NoWhite Stilton?
No
Danish Brew?
NoDouble Goucester?
No
Cheshire?
NoDorset Bluveny?
No
Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq
Port Salut, Savoy Aire
Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest
Bres Bleu, Bruson?
NoCamenbert, perhaps?
Ah, we have Camenbert, yes, sir
You do, excellent
Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny
Oh, I like it runnyWell, it's very runny, actually, sir
No matter, fetch hither
The fromage de la Belle France, mwahI think it's a bit runnier
Than you'll like it, sir
I don't care how fucking runny it is
Hand it over with all speedOh!
What now?
The cat's eaten it
Has he?
She, sirGouda?
No
Edam?
NoCase Ness?
No
Smoked Austrian?
NoJapanese Sage Darby?
No, sir
You do have some cheese, do you?
Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got
No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess
Fair enoughUh, Wensleydale?
Yes
Ah, well, I'll have some of that
Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir
Mister Wensleydale, that's my nameGreek Feta?
Uh, not as such
Uuh, Gorgonzola?
NoParmesan?
No
Mozarella?
NoPaper Cramer?
No
Danish Bimbo?
NoCzech sheep's milk?
No
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Not today, sir, noAah, how about Cheddar?
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir
Not much call, it's the single most
Popular cheese in the worldNot 'round here, sir
And what is the most
Popular cheese 'round here?
Illchester, sirIs it?
Oh, yes, it's staggeringly
Popular in this manusquire
Is it?
It's our number one best seller, sir
I see, uh, Illchester, eh
Right, sir?All right, okay, have you got any?
He asked expecting the answer 'No'
I'll have a look, sir, umh, no
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?Finest in the district
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please
Well, it's so clean, sir
It's certainly uncontaminated by cheeseYou haven't asked me about Limburger, sir
Is it worth it?
Could be
Have you, shut that bloody bazouki up
Told you sirHave you got any Limburger?
No
Figures, predictable, really I suppose
It was an act of purest optimism
To have posed the question in the first placeTell me?
Yes, sir
Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?
Yes, sir
Really?
No, not really, sirYou haven't?
No, sir, not a scrap
I was deliberately
Wasting your time, sirWell, I'm sorry, but I'm going
To have to shoot you
Right-o, sir
What a senseless waste of human life